I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
