you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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