he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
