I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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