Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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