And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Green mimosas i think yes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
