When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
