I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize