She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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