I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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