mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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