Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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