last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
