stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There's always time for handjobs
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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