Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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