Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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