the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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