I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
