He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
