this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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