2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
