took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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