Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
