i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
