I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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