My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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