every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
