??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
