Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Houston, we have a squirter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
