She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes