I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
