and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
