She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
