I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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