He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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