got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
