im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
