yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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