You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
