I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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