U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
