I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
not ubering you a puppy
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
