It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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