Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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