I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
