I cannot find my penis.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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