can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
