Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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