I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
