Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
