Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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