if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
