dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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