you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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