This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
