i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
