This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
