Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
