I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
