You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
