cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
