I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
