just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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